Last we visited this Trial of the Century, Philpot had finished his cross-examination of Francine Farkle, Fred’s teen-age daughter. Judge Julia had invited the Plaintiff’s lawyer to call her next witness.
Judge Julia: Ms. Francis, next witness?
Francis: Yes, you Honor, Plaintiff calls Fabio Farkle to the stand.
Fabio Farkle, Fred’s 7 year old son, looks at his mother, then his father and proceeds to the stand.
Judge Julia: We will waive swearing in for the child’s age.
Ms. Francis: Fabio, you’re 7 years old?
Fabio: Yes I am as a matter of fact. I am in the second grade.
FRANCIS: Good for you, and how many times have you been to Walt Disney World with your family.
FABIO: That depends.
FRANCIS: Depends? On what.
FABIO: On how you define “been to”. I have as an infant and as toddler and then as a pre-schooler, and now as a primary grade schooler and …
FRANCIS: Let’s go with that.
FABIO: But then you could or should add in my presence in Walt Disney World in utero. You do know what in utero means?
Francis is beginning to smell a rat, or is it a mouse?
FRANCIS: I do know what in utero means. Do you?
FABIO: Well of course, it means while I was gestating in my mother’s womb. If you count that then it is two more times I believe. And then again if we make the case that my father’s sperm and my mother’s eggs, one and one of which eventually merging to make me a zygote, then you could probably add seven or eight other times….
FRANCIS: That’s quite enough. We will just use the times when you as a viable, born, human being have been in Walt Disney World.
FABIO: Ok then, it would be 18 times.
FRANCIS: Of course you remember them all.
FABIO: Well my conscious memory of course begins with my birth but given that my mind was more preoccupied, as an infant, with being fed and changed I am sure that I don’t remember my initial forays into the World. But I am told by both of my parental units that it has been 18 times.
FRANCIS: Would you agree that your father’s preoccupation with planning and going to Walt Disney World with you and your sister has affected you?
FRANCIS (triumphantly): Very well. Please tell the Judge how these experiences have affected you.
FABIO: Well my first response is that I have been and continue to be disappointed by my father.
FRANCIS (smugly): Please proceed.
FABIO: Well dad has failed us all miserably.
FRANCIS: Please explain!
FABIO: Dad has failed in executing his plans through poor calculation, through misjudgment, and through ineffective assessment of all data available to him!
FRANCIS: You mean to say …?
FABIO: If dad had listened to a modicum of my suggestions to him we would all have had both a better time at the happiest place on earth and we would have had an even more efficient time. I have calculated crowd calendars since I have been three. I have developed logarithms and have programmed my smart phone accurate to a statistical probability of less than point zero, zero, zero one.
FRED is beaming
FRANCIS (mortified): That will be all Fabio. Thank you. No more questions!!
JUDGE JULIA: Fabio, you may step down.
FABIO: Can I show you my autographed picture of Len Testa?
JUDGE JULIA: No, that is fine. Mr. Philpot?
PHILPOT: Oh no, no thank you, Fabio’s testimony is irrefutable.
JUDGE JULIA: That’s for sure. Ms. Francis?